I guess I’ll start off with my most recent situation, that has had me looking over my shoulder in my own village…
I live in a small village in Essex, just outside the town of Manningtree. As is the way with country living, one Saturday morning, my Dad bumbled into my room and insisted I arise to help him with ‘village matters’.
Reluctantly, I got up and went downstairs, bleary eyed, demanding at least a cup of tea for my troubles. The excitement that Dad had in store for me was the epitome of rural English living: helping to trim trees in the village churchyard. I couldn’t believe my luck!
We arrived just as the other members of the village amassed, most of whom I had never met (I don’t get out much in Little Bromley). There were a few old men, some young guys with chainsaws, and a small, young looking, Thai girl, which was a bit out of the ordinary. It was one of those moments when you don’t question it, you just go with the flow and hope some light will be shed on this strange development in due course! It turned out that this girl was the niece of one of the members of the village, a pleasant ex-army officer, whose travels had led him to Thailand where he had met and married his wife. The girl was over here for three months to help improve her English, whilst experiencing the delights of the home counties.
Due to similarities in our ages, Me 22 and her 21, and the fact that it transpired that this girl was lonely because she’d spent a month doing nothing other than playing pool with her Uncle, it was suggested innocently that I take her out to show her the delights of Colchester. I thought, why not? What was the worst that could happen? What was the best? Who knew at that point! The Uncle seemed very keen on the idea indeed, in so far as suggesting that I take her to the cinema, then to a restaurant for some food afterwards. I felt a bit uneasy at the rising levels of commitment but I put a smile on and agreed. We exchanged Facebook details and away we went.
Anyway, I took her to the cinema the next week, which to me, seemed a little pointless seeing as her grasp of English wasn’t exactly perfect. Conversation was hard work, very one sided, and definetly a bit inane. Although, to be fair, while it was hard work, I could have said anything and she wouldn’t have known any better, so I had a bit of poetic license. After the film, we went and got some chips and sat by the river, as neither of us were particularly hungry to go for a sit down meal.
As we sat on the bank, through her broken English, she told me that her Uncle had informed her that English men made good husbands, because they basically had the money to look after their wives. She then muttered something about how I was an eligible English batchelor, and then the penny dropped. This had been the plan all along. I had been selected, groomed almost, to be her English hubby, the man with the plan, the beau with the dough. I shrugged this off with a smile and a laugh, but inside my mind was racing. I had to get out of there. I wrapped up the ‘date’ pretty quickly, drove her home, and then back to the safety of my house.
Or so I thought. I had assumed that it was a case of one and done. Once the front door closed behind me, that was that, no more weird ‘dates’ with random Thai ladies. Then the exchange of Facebook details came to haunt me when I received this message, which was suspiciously well written. I smelled foul play on the Uncle’s part:
“Would you like to go out again some time? I am busy with family outings and helping with a family party until 18th July but am free for a couple of weeks after that. Perhaps you would like to go to a Thai Restaurant and then play some pool at the local club after that. Or we could go to a pub or club and perhaps listen to some music? What do you think?”
Nooooooo thank you! I replied apologising that due to Graduation week and a short stint in Turkey, I wasn’t going to be available for the forseeable future. Now I could relax.
Again, wishful thinking. On the day of my return from holiday, the telephone rang. My helpful sister picked up the phone and gleefully informed the Uncle, who was so intent on my capture, that I’d respond to the message that very day. I had another ace up my sleeve though… my impending work experience in Bristol. A little bit of flexibility with the dates when I would be there left no time for me to be entrapped in this dark cloud of arranged marriage.
Thank you Bristol, thank you work experience, thank you wits, for being with me to the very end, and steering me clear of impending danger and a possible future of forced unity to my Thai bride…
“Hi Henry. It is great to hear from you. I am glad that you had a fun time at graduation and also in Turkey. You are having a busy summer! I have been occupied too with family and also learning to horse ride and to play golf. I go back to Thailand on 23rd August but would very much like to see you again before I go. You are good fun to be with. If you are not able to come back to Essex before I leave I am very happy to come down to Bristol for a couple of days if that would fit in with your plans and you like the idea. However I do not want to spoil your job hunting, job attachment or other arrangements. What do you think? Keep in touch.”
The Warm Up 